Yesterday, a friend wrote:
THE MOMENT OF DEATH IS ONE BRIEF MOMENT, BUT THE SCRIPT LEADING UP TO DEATH HAS ENDLESS VARIATIONS...ONE SCENARIO MIGHT INCLUDE PARALYSIS FOR MANY YEARS BEFORE DEATH OR MAJOR DEBILITY DUE TO A STROKE OR A SERIES OF TIAs, LIMITING OUR ABILITY TO RECOGNIZE FAMILY AND CLOSE FRIENDS, OR UNDERSTAND HOW TO GET TO THE BATHROOM. IT IS THOSE VARIATIONS THAT I PREPARE MYSELF TO MEET WITH A SENSE OF HUMOR, COURAGE, PATIENCE WITH MYSELF, FORGIVENESS FOR OUR COMMON HUMANITY AND EQUANIMITY
I understand that death may be quick but the experiences of aging and related deterioration may not be. Not being able to hear or see or run or digest food or stand or breathe or swallow is depressing. Not being able to do just about everything is sometimes called "being locked in". Most discussions of that state that I have seen are related to being paralyzed and unable to communicate. A book by Adrian Owen, "Into the Gray Zone" discusses situations of being locked in and unable to show signs of being alive. There was a report in Google News in the last few days about a man locked-in but having a brain operation that has enabled him to communicate. t.ly/gLdz
We have a friend who is dying of cancer. We heard that he asked, "How long is this going to take?" Going through stages of aging and getting older seem likely to bring to mind and to offer real awareness that the process may be frustrating and depressing. I think many people are first gripped by the idea of not being, not existing, being gone. How can an important, lovable person like me be gone? I have been here for decades. I know how to be and how to be here. So, as Lucy might say in "Peanuts", who ordered this exiting business?
I find, more and more, that anything is more tolerable if it is spoken about, discussed, written about. Some books, movies and sessions with others may help bring the business into focus. Getting used to the idea normally helps. Elizabeth Kubler-Ross's book "On Death and Dying" is very famous but it is rather old now. I haven't read much about dying but I did read "Final Gifts" by Callahan and Kelley and we read Atul Gawande's "Being Mortal".
