From the New Yorker interview of Esther Perel by Alexandra Swartz, dated Dec. 9, 2018
Love Is Not a Permanent State of Enthusiasm: An Interview with Esther Perel
Perel: "So I think that's the big thing that is changing: what used to be defined by rules and duty and obligation now has to take place in conversation. And so everything is a freakin' negotiation! You negotiate with your partner about what matters, where you want to live, if you want to have children, how many children do you want to have, if this is the right time to have children. It's an absolute existential smorgasbord. But at the same time it's very difficult to have to define everything ourselves. We are not just in pain for no reason, is what I'm trying to say."
Esther Perel is a psychotherapist specializing in marriage and intimate relationships. I read the above quote and it made a lot of sense to me. I was aware that Perel has a TED talk or two about marriage, sex and what makes for lasting relationships. What she is saying puts me in mind of the exchange between Tevye and his wife in "Fiddler on the Roof". This new-fangled notion that the bride and groom should "love" each other gets compared to their long-standing marriage. Golde, Mrs. Tevye, asks herself and her husband,"Do I love you? For 25 years, I cooked your food and washed your clothes. Do I love you? I suppose I do."
Perel says:
Because never in the history of family life was the emotional well-being of the couple relevant to the survival of the family. The couple could be miserable for thirty years, you were stuck for life, you married once—and, if you didn't like it, you could hope for an early death of your partner. Marriage was a pragmatic institution. You need to have it, but, once you're in it, it's not a great thing, and certainly not for the women.
To me, if you add to this picture the notion that one needs large amounts of wealth AND a high prestige job AND this goes for both members of the couple, it is no wonder that having children gets put off and maybe foregone.
I know it is news in the romantic comedy world, but there actually many things of value between married partners besides sex. Of course, the sex fades. Do you want a newborn in your late 70's? Does a newborn want to arrive then? Conversation, mutual exploration of aging, good food, and even good arguments matter, too. There are other possibilities, too, but I don't want to turn you kids off.
If you are interested, watch Perel's TED talks and see her books "Mating in Captivity" and "The State of Affairs: Rethinking Infidelity". She may blow your ideas but you probably won't be bored.
