I notice that many explorations and ideas seem to be focused on one thing and having that thing right now. As I age, I realize that parts of me can stop functioning without notice. Functions may be incomplete. I may breathe less well, my heart may pump less effectively, my memory sometimes works more slowly. I am more conscious that multiple goals and desires may be of interest. I may desire my breathing to be better, my heart more effective and my memory faster and more complete.
If I ask myself What do I want?, the answer is not a single goal or wish. Besides the answer changes. When I am cold, I want warmth. When I am too hot, I want cooling. So what I want now may not be at all what I want an hour from now. I realize that others can dangle products and possibilities in front of me and entice me to want them. What about a great trip to Yellowstone? What about losing ten pounds? How about some delicious cookies? My memory and imagination by themselves can do the same thing without help from others.
I remember a trip to Nice, France with strong fondness. But booking a flight, packing a bag, getting a room, thinking of such steps awakens my doubts. Will all that be as magic as it was before?
I think I am getting to see many desires as temporary, wants that will rather quickly pass into other, different wants.
I don't admire a picture of inactivity, sloth, boredom nor pictures of a long string of doubts and fears and hesitations. I also can't get behind a picture of wasting the energies and possibilities I have now. I am not going to get any younger. I may be as strong and as vital now as I am ever going to be. It can't be a good thing to waste my current abilities. I realize that my life and current abilities are precious and have expiration dates.
When I was younger, I sought a pattern for my life, a plan, a direction. I wanted to know what to be, what to become, who to be with. Now, I know what I am, I have a somewhat foreshortened future, and I know who I want to be with. Have I got everything figured out? Maybe.
I may be clearer about keeping myself good company and enjoying my time wherever I am and whatever I am doing. It all feels good most of the time and when it doesn't, I have a valuable opportunity to watch myself deal with whatever comes up, trying to convert it into nourishment and enjoyment.
