Tami Simon of Sound True interviews Prof. Kristin Neff in the first of the self acceptance lessons
First, have some sympathy and respect for your harsh inner, critical voice
- Select and use a physical gesture or posture of kindness and sympathy to give yourself respect and comfort.
- Mentally repeat soothing words of affection for the part of yourself that is clearly on the alert and trying to watch out for what is best for you.
- Using a soothing and supportive tone, in your mind or actually with your physical voice. Shades of Cheri Huber again!
- Recognition of my own mental state, learning to pay attention to it and comfort it
- Can't manage to comfort? Too angry? Too put down? Recognize this state as it is. Make a note of the date and time. Come back the issue tomorrow.
Understand that harping at yourself, being totally exasperated that you could be so dumb, is a human and common occurrence. Your inner critic is probably one of those sergeants who believes that only shouts and screams are effective.
But you can meditate, and train yourself in kindness, respect for yourself.
The more compassion Neff gives to herself for carrying the burdens she does, the more compassion she has to share with others who need it and benefit from it.
We criticize ourselves so we can hold on to our picture of control. Getting angry or giving ourselves deep shame is something we can do. It seems like a good application of the whip, punishment. Give ourselves a sharp talking to, and we will not do that dumb thing again. It is actually easier to yell or cuss at ourselves than to absorb the truth that we do make mistakes. Easier to think,"If I only try harder, it is possible that I will avoid any flaw or error next time."
If you believe in a swift kick in the backside as motivator, you can keep on kicking. However, at some point, you may face the fact that sharp talking to and imaginary kicks are boring, repetitive and lacking in effectiveness. At that point, a little mothering of the best kind you are able to deliver may surprise you with its gifts and helpfulness.
See the energy and devotion that are driving the kicks, which are signs, after all, that you care, that the kicks, yells, screams and admonitions are coming from an internal force that cares and wants the best for you. This is the point where you sandbag the voice, giving it attention, giving it thanks and respect and also giving the other parts of yourself thanks and respect for listening and for preparing to try again. Paying attention to the voice lowers its shrillness, its fear that you aren't hearing and "benefitting" from it, much like paying deep and strict attention to pain can lessen it.
Self kindness, common humanity, mindful of suffering instead of running or ignoring it: these three are key.
"This is hard right now,
Its typically human to feel this way.,
May I be kind to myself in this moment,
May I give myself the compassion and respect that I need and deserve for my energy, my attempts, my work."
--
Bill
Main blog: Fear, Fun and Filoz
Main web site: Kirbyvariety
