I have been listening to the self acceptance presentations by Sounds True. The subject is a bit tricky and one that leads to many interesting ideas. The basic question is how come we often speak internally to ourselves in a harsh, impolite way, putting ourselves, our feelings and accomplishments down in a way we would never do to anyone else that we respected and honored.
I have listened to 6 excellent speakers and they all stress that not being oppositional to my inner critics is fundamental. How can I frame the negatives comments I get from my inner self in a way that helps me look at my inner critics with some affection without buying their picture of myself as a miserable failure at nearly everything? I can do that in a number of ways, including the ways I used to retain the notion that my parents liked and admired me, while developing and using my own ideas of how to live and with whom.
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I can have quiet talks with myself to understand why I get the feelings I do, what makes me like, dislike, fear, be attracted to some people, actions and ideas. I can respect the complexity of my mind and emotional structure, my emotional economy, as Harville Hendrix calls the full mental/emotional structures operating within.
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Following the ideas of Karla McLaren, I can learn to respect the emotions that arise in me. I can become more emotionally literate and learn to read shame and anger for the compass they are, while lowering any undue idolizing of empathy.
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I see again how handy the distinction made by Daniel Kahneman is, when he divides my thinking into the two components: fast and slow. The fast is the emotional valence or weight that zips into sight very quickly. I can have a feeling that this is fun, that is scary, something else is yucky. Then, I can take the reaction I have just felt and examine it more slowly. I can ask questions of myself as to why I might have the emotional reactions I do. Why do beards seem repulsive? Why do I shy away from each Eskimo I meet? My investigative powers can often show me a logic to my reactions that is impressive, even if it is in need of a little modification or a grain of salt.
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My wife and relatives, my mother and grandmother and grandfather liked me and admired me so I can honor their opinion and insight and accept that I am ok, maybe a little better than ok.
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I can try to have respect for my own complexity. I may have reactions that have a good source and a good aim but that take a little examination to understand and appreciate.
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It's not that I expect to "love" myself, as that's too strong an expression. But accepting, knowing, appreciating and respecting myself are right. I owe it to the others who have made and loved me to bravely and honorably face up to the facts of my value and worth
Bill
Main blog: Fear, Fun and Filoz
Main web site: Kirbyvariety
