I used to see young women college students say once in a while that they were quite “hurt” by something but the energy and bared, gritted teeth they showed looked like anger to me. I worked with young women trying to learn to teach and found they hoped the pupils liked them. I was surprised at how far they would go to avoid showing anger or saying they were angry. I had never even thought of having children like me as a teacher. I aimed at being successful at getting the students to know and to be able to perform. I thought if one or two liked me, that would be nice, pleasant but not a major goal. It seemed natural that a teacher who marks something incorrect is not always going to be loved.
I began to feel that males are taught that anger and ferocity is ok but that females are taught to be liked. Then, I suspected that it was not just teaching that created the difference but that basic wiring or chemistry might be involved.
Over the years, my wife found that I got too angry too often. For about 40 years, I poo-poohed that opinion. This past February, we got into an argument in a supermarket and I behaved rather poorly. Since I have been more seriously meditating lately, I had to ask myself how come I let myself misbehave? How come I didn’t look at my feelings and state them instead of acting like a jerk? I kindled some books on anger management and looked at 6 web sites on the subject.
Over the years, Lynn and I have read most of Thich Nhat Hanh’s books but when we started “Anger: Wisdom to Cool the Flames”, I didn’t get very far into the book. It may be clear to some that eating meat makes for anger but it isn’t clear to me. But these new books, especially “Anger Management for Dummies” by Doyle Gentry did me a favor right at the start by stating that anger is natural and ok. It is not a sickness nor a shameful feeling. However, it does matter how it is expressed and how one responds to it. As a guy, anger seems to come naturally. But I can see that what I do with it can help me and others, or land me divorced in jail.
As a college freshman, I read “Love or Perish” by Smiley Blanton, a psychiatrist. Blanton ended his book with three strong rules for a good life: forgive your parents for anything they did wrong or might have done, believe in something greater than yourself and accept anger and aggression as natural but in need of direction. The weird but very honest and readable little book, "The Tapping Solution", by Roberta Temes, PhD, has helped me get a tool to keep my attention on my feelings, their level and expression instead of the content, the story line, that I am sure at the time is a terrible injustice and needs to be dealt with vigorously. I was convinced by Gentry that I will be happier if I get angry less often and less deeply. In talking this over with Lynn, I was struck by how deeply she hoped I would be able to get less angry. Also, she felt that my anger soured her life and made the world seem gloomy. Not so hot a gift for one I love.
