Monday, January 15, 2018

Worry, mothers and gender

Everything is going to be ok.
Everything?
Well, everything that matters.
What matters?
I don't know.  Just don't worry.

I have been noticing that most of the worries I hear about are stated by women.  Guys care about women and they feel that worrying is less pleasant than not worrying.  So, they urge their wives, mothers and sisters not to worry. Thoreau said that men lead lives of quiet desperation, but I think many men figure the odds, or feel the odds, but proceed as though they will do all right. A guy can simply decide to charge ahead, disregarding enemy gunfire or the blazing forest.  He may end up dead but he can do that.

My psychologist and counselor friends say that telling someone who is worrying not worry is not an effective way to halt their worrying.  I think they are right.  If someone is worried that we are too low on milk, I find that they can quickly switch to worrying that we will run out of eggs. Today's high communication world provides us with a very long list of potential worries.  

What about the money supply?  Is the atmosphere getting polluted?  What is Russia going to do?  Is it true that she is pregnant?  Is it true that she can't get pregnant?

My theory is that feminine worry is part of the equipment nature provides to continue the species.  Some women never bear a child but most seem to be basically designed for motherhood.  If a woman does become a mother, it is the next five years that are sensitive to the child's future.  Is the child going to catch a bad disease?  Is the child sleeping well?  The mother may be young but she is much more adult than the newborn.  The mother is often the main person for keeping an eye on the child, literally and figuratively.  

A newborn is famously helpless.  A mother who watches and worries may keep the child warm, well-nourished, safe and both loved and aware of being loved.  A father may just assume that the child is warm enough, has been sufficiently fed and is safe.

An important characteristic of women is their interest in others.  Men are also interested in others, but they seem likely to be quite interested in independence.  I wouldn't offer help to another man unless I felt there was a cleared indicated need for help.  I have read of a big difference between women and men in their ability to ask for help.  With male hormones and a male life, I am likely to feel that asking for help is a sign of weakness, a big no-no for men.  Since everyone needs help at times, those with less obstacles to asking for and accepting help can have an advantage.  

Of course, we pioneer Americans know the value of figuring out how to live without help.  When we are out in the wilderness and there is no one to help us, we have to chop out a living on our own.  

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