I can get so irritated or angry that I don't want to be happy, not just then. I know how to be happy, how to change my mood but I refuse to. I actually do have a conviction that it is my duty as a human being, a marvel of creation, a citizen of a great planet, continent, country, state, county and city to be happy. I am a better representative of my age bracket, wealth level, gender and education level if I am happy. Grandparents and greatgrandparents are supposed be happy. Well, old men are indeed often expected to be grumpy or nasty or contrary, so I do get a break in that area. But all in all, I am surprised at finding that I can know I am in a bad mood, know why I am and what I let put me in one, and still be unwilling to move my attention to other things that lessen unhappiness and usually put a smile on my face.
I read about the Dalai Lama and Pema Chodron and Jack Kornfield and that crowd observing their own minds, watching a bad mood or a fear move across the field of consciousness, but I have trouble doing that. I can see that I am recalling the exact moment when I carelessly brushed that lovely cup off the table but the mixture of irritation, failure, shame and anger at my clumsiness is too attractive and I get pulled from observing into feeling the whole shebang all over again. I have trouble getting close enough to clearly see without getting too close.
I guess it is all a matter of where I let my attention land. Seth Horowitz in "The Universal Sense":
This scenario shows the difference between the two types of attention your ears and other senses have to contend with: goal-directed attention (listening closely to your phone conversation as you enter an area with spotty coverage) and sensory-directed attention (being unable to focus on your conversation because the man talking into his cell phone has said the word "bomb" three times in one minute while you're waiting for your flight to take off). Goal-driven attention makes us focus our sensory and cognitive abilities on a limited set of inputs and can be driven by any of our senses.
Horowitz, Seth (2012-09-04). The Universal Sense: How Hearing Shapes the Mind (p. 110). Bloomsbury Publishing. Kindle Edition.
When I pay attention to my thoughts, I am using goal-directed attention, much like a cat watching a mouse hole. When I am listening for a sound, I am using sensory-directed attention, as when I am searching for the source of a smell. I think of goal-directed as narrow attention, focused tightly on a target or anchor. I think of being alert and conscious of sounds around me as broad attention, alert to a wide field and everything in it.
When I am irritated, I tend to realize that I am in that state. Increasingly, I know what to do to put myself in a different state. I can focus on cuddly bunnies, pretty flowers, delicious chocolates and like that, but part of me insists on waiting a while, sometimes as much as a day. I am trying to watch myself and respect that period as part of me without being too much of a pain to be around.
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Bill
Main blog: Fear, Fun and Filoz
Main web site: Kirbyvariety
