Living with myself is not easy. The older I get and the more I practice meditation, knowing and facing myself, the more clearly I see many negatives parts. I think a good case can be made that I am lazy, primitive, forgetful, impulsive, grumpy, and selfish.
I was diagnosed with prostate cancer in 2002 and had a prostatectomy. During the operation, they found that cancer cells might have been carried to other, unknown parts of my body. So, I took special medicine to get my body to think that a lower testosterone level was good, since escaped cancer cells needed that hormone to live and grow. But it has been long enough now that I don't need the medicine and my real testosterone level is back up. Lynn says, "The old, nasty, horny Bill is back."
A friend whose husband had the same operation and medicine afterwards asked Lynn in my presence if I had been nicer with that medicine. It had seemed to her that her husband definitely was.
Practicing mindfulness and self-awareness gives me a rather clear view of my inner mental life. It is not all that lovely. Self-acceptance is all very well but who wants to accept a primitive set of emotions and impulses as himself. It is difficult to disguise the picture as really being ok or what is to be expected from a male or an oldster. Who wants to own up to being a big infant who only barely manages to cover up appetites and failings and tantrums? Couple that picture with failing energy levels and muscle strength and you can see why people might shy away from too much self-knowledge.
I admit that seeing what I am like does give me a certain sympathy for others whose self-control or mask may have slipped out of place. Various authors tell me that if I face who and what I seem to be calmly, I will be able to befriend and like my whole self. We'll see.
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Bill
Main blog: Fear, Fun and Filoz
Main web site: Kirbyvariety
