On Monday, I read a post in the New York Times blog "The New Old Age". It is titled "In the Middle: Why Elderly Couples Fight". It opened my eyes and I am still thinking about it.
My father's parents were dead before I was born but my mother's parents were important parts of my growing up. My grandfather was about 50 years older than me and my grandmother a few years younger. They seemed old to me all my life. They would frequently get into a verbal scrap, my grandfather growling and my grandmother shooting sharp remarks back at him.
In our late 30's, Lynn and I took our teenaged daughters on an extended car trip from Wisconsin to California, the Southwest and back. We camped much of the way and my wife and I fought daily. We were not elderly couples. But we are now, and although we are both interested in avoiding bickering, yelling and other sorts of negativity, we still get into fights, or lighter skirmishes, fight-ettes.
I have usually thought of men grousing because of physical pain, expenses, and political and religious objections and disagreements. I know that anger is often a secondary response to fear. I think what was attention-getting in the post was the idea of fighting for power, battling to express power. The notion has given me some new hope for understanding a grumpy mood that seems unwarranted, unjustified but definite. Maybe I am feeling too weak, too subject to rules or forces I don't like or am tired of.
Most of my life, I have taken a lawyerly approach to arguments. On the surface, I try to marshal evidence that supports "my side" and might convince a judge or jury that I have a justified complaint. But I am pretty sure that I can find someone's way of moving or coughing or not coughing irritating when some sort of fear or ambition is actually driving me. I intend to watch myself and look for information on these topic, which seems valuable. I have thought I was not interested in power but I have seen that the master woodcarver or the ardent fly-fishing enthusiast is often building a little kingdom where he seems to have power, status, expertise, mastery. If I feel that my kingdom is a sham or I have lost my place in it, I may react negatively.
I am not convinced that any such feeling has to be internally recognized as such to have motivating force on me. I know there are large parts of me that don't show themselves clearly but still matter or get translated in alternative forms before showing up explicitly.
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Bill
Main blog: Fear, Fun and Filoz
Main web site: Kirbyvariety
My father's parents were dead before I was born but my mother's parents were important parts of my growing up. My grandfather was about 50 years older than me and my grandmother a few years younger. They seemed old to me all my life. They would frequently get into a verbal scrap, my grandfather growling and my grandmother shooting sharp remarks back at him.
In our late 30's, Lynn and I took our teenaged daughters on an extended car trip from Wisconsin to California, the Southwest and back. We camped much of the way and my wife and I fought daily. We were not elderly couples. But we are now, and although we are both interested in avoiding bickering, yelling and other sorts of negativity, we still get into fights, or lighter skirmishes, fight-ettes.
I have usually thought of men grousing because of physical pain, expenses, and political and religious objections and disagreements. I know that anger is often a secondary response to fear. I think what was attention-getting in the post was the idea of fighting for power, battling to express power. The notion has given me some new hope for understanding a grumpy mood that seems unwarranted, unjustified but definite. Maybe I am feeling too weak, too subject to rules or forces I don't like or am tired of.
Most of my life, I have taken a lawyerly approach to arguments. On the surface, I try to marshal evidence that supports "my side" and might convince a judge or jury that I have a justified complaint. But I am pretty sure that I can find someone's way of moving or coughing or not coughing irritating when some sort of fear or ambition is actually driving me. I intend to watch myself and look for information on these topic, which seems valuable. I have thought I was not interested in power but I have seen that the master woodcarver or the ardent fly-fishing enthusiast is often building a little kingdom where he seems to have power, status, expertise, mastery. If I feel that my kingdom is a sham or I have lost my place in it, I may react negatively.
I am not convinced that any such feeling has to be internally recognized as such to have motivating force on me. I know there are large parts of me that don't show themselves clearly but still matter or get translated in alternative forms before showing up explicitly.
--
Bill
Main blog: Fear, Fun and Filoz
Main web site: Kirbyvariety
