Some research has shown that having children is not always a happy thing. After all, they can be trying and worrisome, at least at times. I have not had a long term close relationship that did not involve children but I have experienced being a teacher and a parent. Just as running a race or engaging in a competitive sport or game is not always fun, minute by minute, the overall result can be fun, satisfying, and leading to a sense of full contribution to life.
But, from a male point of view, having children is not at all the only factor in calculating love costs. Prof. Judith Bardwick taught me more than 40 years ago that while a foundational fear among women is abandonment, among men, it is often suffocation. Males experience the love of the mother with gratitude but usually have to "cut the apron strings" whether or not Mom wants them cut. That orientation toward independence is often depicted as a journey to seek one's fortune in fairy tales. Being alone, needing to compete for a place or a mate is often part of the male experience of other animals, too.
The health writer and physician Andrew Weil writes in one of his books that "Love = pain". I think it does, in the sense that if you love someone, one of you will eventually die or leave and the pair will be separated. Either or both of the lovers may be struck by pain and loss when that happens. Still, to me, just as there is pain in emerging from our mother's body but it is needed and worth it if one wants to live, so loving is worthwhile if one wants a rich, full-spectrum life.
It reminds me of the taste of sweet. When we are kids, sugar is queen. Candy, ice cream, iced cakes, etc. But the grown-upy taste of dry martinis, of olives, of dark chocolate, of various cheeses appeal in a way that the childish taste doesn't so much. It is bittersweet to see your little darling go off to college, to see that he thinks more of the girl than he does of his mom nowadays. Then, the music of life swells up and we hear the march of time and step right along with it.
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Bill
Main blog: Fear, Fun and Filoz
Main web site: Kirbyvariety
But, from a male point of view, having children is not at all the only factor in calculating love costs. Prof. Judith Bardwick taught me more than 40 years ago that while a foundational fear among women is abandonment, among men, it is often suffocation. Males experience the love of the mother with gratitude but usually have to "cut the apron strings" whether or not Mom wants them cut. That orientation toward independence is often depicted as a journey to seek one's fortune in fairy tales. Being alone, needing to compete for a place or a mate is often part of the male experience of other animals, too.
The health writer and physician Andrew Weil writes in one of his books that "Love = pain". I think it does, in the sense that if you love someone, one of you will eventually die or leave and the pair will be separated. Either or both of the lovers may be struck by pain and loss when that happens. Still, to me, just as there is pain in emerging from our mother's body but it is needed and worth it if one wants to live, so loving is worthwhile if one wants a rich, full-spectrum life.
It reminds me of the taste of sweet. When we are kids, sugar is queen. Candy, ice cream, iced cakes, etc. But the grown-upy taste of dry martinis, of olives, of dark chocolate, of various cheeses appeal in a way that the childish taste doesn't so much. It is bittersweet to see your little darling go off to college, to see that he thinks more of the girl than he does of his mom nowadays. Then, the music of life swells up and we hear the march of time and step right along with it.
--
Bill
Main blog: Fear, Fun and Filoz
Main web site: Kirbyvariety
