There is a big difference between words about travel and the actual trip. She gets a strong lift from deciding on which trip, when and making preparations. We had been to that country before. It was totally lovely and interesting and different from here, but I thought not my going would be a lift and an adventure for me, here. She found a good friend for a trip companion and packed carefully with detailed attention.
Yesterday, I drove them to the airport. Today is the first day that I am home alone. Getting up and walking into the kitchen is automatic. Reaching for the decaf is automatic. What am I doing? I don't drink decaf and I don't want it. What I am doing is performing as I have for 10 years. It is a natural and established routine, but it doesn't apply today. What? I am going to have to think all day ????!!!!
What comes naturally could apply, depending on what it is. There are no chores needed just now that I am inexperienced with. I have made meals, usually oatmeal with several fruits and walnuts for Sunday breakfast. I did eat dinner in a restaurant yesterday with friends, but I certainly don't want to do that every day. So, I will make dinner for one here today.
I usually concentrate on what I myself want to do and what I need to contribute to the partnership and to the household. I often get the mail and the paper in. Doing that seems natural but the laundry and watering the house plants?
I often review for myself what writing here does for me. Just taking this time to picture where I am and where she is and expressing in words these thoughts feels clarifying. Coffee for one is not the same as coffee for two and living in a house without her is not being part of a two person team. Has it been 10 days yet?
