I mean by the title how an individual middle-class American’s probable goals, needs and desires change over time. I doubt I am all that representative of people my age. I have rarely been the average at anything, usually higher or lower. So my experiences and conclusions may not be typical or indicative.
At college age, late teens and early twenties, I wanted a woman. Not women but a woman. She needed to be attractive by my definition and she needed to be intelligent. Old-fashioned as it sounds, I wanted her to be obedient or compliant. To a large degree, intelligence runs counter to submissiveness so the best I could do would be to find a woman who was a tolerable combination of the traits I wanted. Like the Arabic clown figure, Nasrudin, I also needed to keep in mind that I was looking for a woman who would consider me a tolerably good husband. I realized that if she was looking for perfection, she wouldn’t be interested in me.
I was extremely fortunate in finding a woman interested in being my wife who has been a wonderful combination of the characteristics I wanted and needed. We have now been together for over 50 years. But looking back, I can see that both consciously and unconsciously I was driven by a picture of a long haul together. If I were looking for a partner now, at my current age, reasonable health would figure more in my thinking. I would indeed want someone about my age and that means we would both need to recognize the ever-growing possibility of death for either or both of us.
I think the old vows uniting us until death parts us might be inappropriate for a second, late-in-life marriage. In fact, I can see why many older people are interested in friendships and relationships but not in another marriage. Whole families may be counting on a will and estate distribution which would be disrupted by a 2nd marriage, unless there was a pre-nuptial agreement.
At older ages, the whole matter of sex may be far less important, as may be physical responses and abilities. The ability to be open about feelings, ideas, experiences and commitments might be for more important than bodies or looks. Many older people today do not realize that older citizens are a prime group for increased incidents of sexually transmitted disease, including HIV.
When dating in college, I am pretty sure I never once thought that my wife would be important in watching over my mind and looking for signs of dementia. I never thought about the extra burden that decreased acuity of hearing would impose on marital conversations.
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Bill
Main blog: Fear, Fun and Filoz
Main web site: Kirbyvariety
