I have read "Final Gifts" and "How We Die". I get that I am mortal and that people get more likely to die as they age. Six months ago, the doctor said she heard a heart murmur, a sound made by one of my four heart valves that isn't working perfectly. She graded the sound a 1 of 5 for ominousness. Two days ago, she heard it again and graded it 2 of 5.
I had an echo cardiogram today and will hear what a cardiologist thinks it means soon.
I think thinking about death, my death as well as the subject in general, helps me see what I and others are. This is actually a good time of year for such thoughts, with Halloween and all. I guess the moment of conception or the moment of birth are good candidates for the most important moment in one's life. But, the moment of death is another big moment. As I get older, more of my friends die. Each such death is a reminder of my decreasing expected continuation in this living, lively, loveable format.
I asked Lynn not to refer to my "passing" when I die. I would rather have the actual word "dead" used instead of being compared to a kidney stone or a nasty storm. I am aware that my influence, ideas and example could continue to be a source of influence and inspiration after my heart has ceased beating and my breathing stops. I notice that modern writing, photography, video and sound recording make the question "Is that person still alive?" more and more difficult to answer.
I have met fear and reluctance to entertain the subject of death enough times to expect younger people to want to avoid the subject. That seems somewhat odd in a way, what with so many crime shows, murder mysteries and scary zombie movies. We are often urged to believe that death is the ultimate loss and to be avoided with strong, strong effort. It's good to believe that and act on the belief, but sometimes, it can't be helped.
