Tuesday, June 16, 2020

My quick visit to Heaven

It was just like they said.  Lots of soft white clouds to sit on, harpists beautifully plunking away. They said I wouldn't need shoes and it was true.  The clouds were a delight to walk on, soft and a little springy.  I won a visit for up to a year by being extra-good.  But you know what happened?  The place began to wear on me.  

No political divisions, no diversions, no distractions - just peace, bliss, satisfaction and happiness, lots of happiness.  You know, it can get to be hard to take.  Sure, the first ten weeks or so, all the calm was wonderful.  But slowly, I began to wish for a little dirt, a little tension.  I never thought I would miss pointless arguments and regular rhythms of accusations, denials but all that sympathy, deep understanding and commiseration!  I mean how much can a person take?  

I actually began to seek a bit of discomfort, maybe a little sin.  I am not a high level person - never have been.  I began to overeat.  I drank too much nectar.  Started betting with my neighbors: who would have the most doves in the yard, the sweetest roses - that sort of thing.  I started getting tremors.  I had increasingly severe headaches.  No more smiles!  No more deep and meaningful empathetic comments of support and durned understanding.

I gave up my lodging a bit early.  I really couldn't take any more.  I found out I am not a good candidate for heavenly living.  Tomorrow, I have a conference with my lawyer to try to work out an agreement that I don't have to spend eternity in that place.  I just couldn't do it.  It would kill me.

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