Friday, November 4, 2011

Automated downhill

I think it saves oil and energy when I conduct family business on the phone or online instead of traveling all over to do it.  I think, but I am not sure.  If I knew how to take into account the costs of creating and maintaining the phone and online systems, servers, lines, etc, I might know more definitely.

The other day, I called a woman I have dealt with before.  She is intelligent and competent and I was glad to be connected to her.  However, she recited a long, boring, irrelevant message along the lines of "thank you for calling our business, the home of wonderful blah, blah and blah".  She spoke without enthusiasm and seemed as interested as I was in getting past a required statement to the business at hand.  

As a service for those businesses who wish to tighten up and fly right, to cut the fat and do things the way God intended them to be done, I offer the following message to all employees as a template:

Ok, we are going to govern your ass.  Enough of this slipshod crap.  When you answer the phone, you may recite paragraph A or paragraph B.  We will check your phone calls and if we hear you say anything other than one of those paragraphs, you will be fired.  Over time, we may add to the paragraphs as we think of wonderful and enticing wording and extra deals we want our customers to know about.  These will be words that WE can think of but that YOU, poor thing, would never be able to compose.  We don't have the guts to limit or edit our own verbal creations and directives so just keep reciting what we tell you, however long and drawn-out the message.  It may turn people off but by God, we will conduct our business the way we want.

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