Wednesday, July 27, 2011

Insert ___________ scene here

Somebody calculated the horsepower or wattage or energy expenditure of keyboarding errors made in the US in one day.  It's enormous. Similarly, I want to call attention to certain parts of books and movies and tv shows that are quite redundant and may be a waste of precious resources.  I am thinking of sex scenes, fight scenes, auto chases and ticking bomb scenes.  I would also like to offer dance scenes as an additional possibility.

Before the days of very explicit scenes, things were handled differently.  Sunday evening, the Roman detective Aurelio Zen showed his inamorata through the new apartment he had gotten her.  It was delightful and far nicer than any she had ever expected to live in.  She gazed at his manly face and muscular body with gratitude and pleasure and asked in a low growly purr, "Is there a bedroom?"  In the older way, the two would have grasped hands and walked through a door, which they would shut behind them.  The next scene would be a discontinuous cut to the next day where Aurelio would be tying his necktie while they chatted, she from the bed.

But as Dr. G. says, but noooooooooo!  Today, we follow them into the bedroom and watch them use their mouths to smear saliva over each others' faces.  We watch her hands unbutton his shirt while his hands.. . You know how it is done.  You have done it.  You have seen various scenes of such activity before.  Do you want to watch yet another enactment stressing how much these two like each other and how eager each is for the other's body?  Yes, the better workmen manage to keep the microphone boom and the extra camera out of the scene but more footage on biology?  How about we just insert a slide:

Insert Sexy Scene Here

Similarly, when the hero and the villain eye each other, crouch warily and begin circling, looking for vulnerabilities (in that hero, HA!), a slide

Insert Fight Scene Here

could save not only precious environment resources but many old bar mirrors, staircase railings, and bottles of whiskey, not even mentioning trips to the emergency room and calls to the insurance adjuster.  Slides about car chase scenes would save other cars and drivers, many water hydrants and gallons of precious city water, glass store fronts and pedestrians who thought that the sidewalks were for them and not cars.  Those bomb scenes where our hero sweats about whether it is the blue wire or the red one while the red digits descent toward zero could be replaced by a slide.  Further, I nominate gyration scenes where the sound system pounds away while we are shown young women and men thrusting their pelvises at us to be hidden behind a single silent slide.  Granted the savings would result in shorter programs and movies but that would be a plus, giving us all an opportunity to silently meditate or pray for 10 minutes out of every 30 of a show.

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