Now, while I can

Several of my friends have lost their mate.  That event is the biggest hit one takes in this life, according to the Holmes-Rahe stress scale.  To put the loss of a mate in some perspective, if the typical stressful event equals an American man of average height of 5'10", losing your spouse is equivalent to a man of 6'7".

I have heard of different sorts of reactions to this event.  I gather that men and women tend to have different sorts of reactions to deep grief.  I have not lost my wife and I don't want to.  But in losing my parents and my daughter, it seemed helpful for me to think about their death, their absence and their meaning to me often and to do so before their death, in their company and face-to-face.

We have been married for several decades.  That means there are many wonderful moments we have had.  I like to take a moment to remember them, at some time each day.  When we sit down for a meal, when we have a drink, when we take a walk.  Sometime, I will be doing those things alone, or she will.  It is a good practice to look at her and appreciate what she does and what she has become.  It wasn't easy, all that putting up with me, all that understanding me, all that listening to my problems and my fears.  It wasn't quick and lots of it was repetitious.

Talking to my mother once a week, I realized that sometime, I might call to talk and find that she was not available and never would be again.  I didn't want to be taken by surprise so I told her I didn't want to lose her without having told her that I loved her and thanked her and admired her.  It helped that we had taken the time to say those things.  We had more than one chance because we tried ahead of time.  The same thing holds for my wife and I.  We realize that we may live for 20 years more, maybe even longer.  But we may not.  During our 50th high school reunions, we saw lists of deceased classmates, people our same age that we knew and had gone to school with.  We never know about a stroke or a heart attack.  We might be struck by something completely by surprise. 

I admit that the first time I composed a statement on paper about how much I loved her and living with her, it scared my wife deeply.  Was there something I hadn't told her?  Had the doctor found something?  Once I made clear that I wanted to be appreciative while I could and she could receive my thoughts, it was fine.

It is good to express thankfulness and appreciation right now.