I was hit by a negative emotional storm the other day. I am not sure what brought it on. Normally, I feel happy and connected to others and the world. I usually see the whole enterprise of life as merry and worthwhile.
I realize that everything is not all peaches and cream. I saw “Slumdog Millionaire” and have seen scenes and descriptions of the slums around some of the big cities of the world. I started a chapter of Amnesty International and I know a little of the misery visited on people for purely political and ideological reasons.
I have been working on myself to stay alert and to face myself and the world openly. I’ve been trying to let myself fully know what I actually think and actually feel, even if I am not pleased or accepting of some feelings, desires or thoughts.
The storm that struck was a bit vague but fairly strong and gripping. I felt very sad but it was not clear why or about what. I had been listening to Parker Palmer’s description of what bad, dense, clinical depression feels like. I had visited my quite aged parents-in-law and witnessed their renewed realization that they are limited and hampered in everything. I had begun “Schulz and Peanuts” and read of his icy mother and his worries about not ever really getting deeply loved by her. I had been listening to the story of Mozart and his genius and frustrations it brought. Maybe it was some combination of all that.
A friend asked if I have been keeping up on exercise. Another said she suspected fear of death had crept into my mind. Now, I seem to have lost the sadness, the feeling that nothing is worthwhile. I feel again the futility of feeling that all is futile, of using energy to elicit or sustain gloom. I can choose not to do that just now and I am exercising my rights.
